Babet te Winkel: Even grief needs its own dictionary
Babet te Winkel (© Coco Olakunle)
*Babet (30) ★ lives in Zutphen, Netherlands -> Humanist and writer, founder of @verlieskunst -> through her alternative condolence cards with different words and images she builds a world that can bear loss better ✗ she studied humanistic studies, a combination of philosophy and psychology at the university of humanistic studies -> she loves ecstatic dance, cuddles and roadtrips.
Babet, with your cards you are creating the whole new visual language for loss. When and why did this idea come to you and what is your mission?
The short answer would be: after my mom died when I was 20 years old. To be more specific: it’s actually a combination of what happened on the inside and the outside world after she died. I found it hard to describe this grief, this inner landscape of grief. The platitudes didn’t resonate with me and I was looking for input.
As I was trying to find the words to describe what I was experiencing, I received a lot of sympathy cards. I love this tradition, even though the cards itself felt a bit distant and old fashioned. I was surprised that there weren’t warmer, well-designed cards.
In the beginning, I started with creating those cards I was missing. In the years to come, my mission to create this new, embodied heartfelt language for loss became two folded. On the one hand to express the inner experience of grief but also a language to use to support someone who is grieving.
“I see this as an ongoing project, as life is always unfolding and never static. Language should keep moving too. It needs to feel anew.”
Text: Babet te Winkel
Illustration: Marlon Doomen
For fear of saying something inappropriate, we often say nothing or something brief to the grieving person. Why can't we actually find the right words and why do you think it's important not to stop looking for them?
Let’s acknowledge that reaching out to someone grieving, has the potential to feel awkward and painful. There is no short cut to be sure it isn’t awkward or painful. There is no one size fits all.
Let’s say this person is a friend of ours (someone we barely know creates a whole different situation of course). It’s about being able to stay with what comes up, which could be painful. It helps if we have been practicing this with our own pain as well. If we don’t want to look our own pain in the eyes, how can we stay present with and bear witness to somebody else pain?
I think it’s about being okay with the fact that we want to show up for someone, but don’t know exactly how. It’s impossible to know upfront what to say, as we create it in the interaction and connection with this other person. In every relationship there is the need to communicate, tune in and adjust.
“I think it’s about being okay with the fact that we want to show up for someone, but don’t know exactly how.”
Grieving any kind of loss is a very intense and personal experience and cannot be generalized but I ask you anyway – is there anything in common what people after loss need to hear and what they do not?
Some rule of thumb I keep in mind is: don’t tell the other person what their grief is like. I might ask what it is like, I might suggest something and check if it resonates. I hope the other person feels safe to correct me and I will not take it personal. It’s a co-creation.
Something we can do to help a grieving person, is to check if the support we are offering is actually feeling supportive to them. If they don’t experience it as helpful, you might want to evaluate together and start navigating together. I love this word navigating, because for me it says you have to check in again and again, and you create it while doing it. You don’t have to know upfront. Get curious, start asking questions. Experiment! It’s a lovely way to get to know each other better. And maybe that takes some weight of your shoulders as well.
“What support looks like for you after loss, is different for different people.”
Personal and comforting words are very powerful, can we also support our loved ones with equally nice actions?
I love this question! I have been thinking about it a lot actually and recently shared a piece on Instagram called ‘the languages of loss’. In this piece I’m connecting loss and support. What support looks like for you after loss, is different for different people.
It’s based on the idea of the ‘5 love languages’. The idea is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. They are acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. I recommend you to read into it. Often people resonate with more than one language, but they have a strong preference for one.
As I suggested before, check in with the person you want to support. You might want to suggest certain things, based on the different languages. You might want to cook for them or bring them groceries (acts of service), take a walk together (quality time) or give them a lovely massage.
Text: Babet te Winkel
Illustration: Aida de Jong
The grieving people often receive advice to somehow "process" their grief or give it some "place." Is there any other way?
Yes, why those words don’t work for me, is because those words have something linear and suggest a finish line. An end goal where my grief is done. What does that look like?
For me it’s more like carrying it with me. It keeps on moving, like I keep on moving. Grief is alive!
We often think of grief as a problem, an inconvenience which we must deal with as soon as possible – as if there was a miraculous quick fix. How else do you think we can all approach it?
If we have the worldview that the world should be a happy place all the time and there is only place for happy feelings, subsequently when sadness and pain come up, we will immediately feel like we need to fix something.
It’s quite fundamental change: creating space for pain and sadness, as it is an integral part of our life. There is nothing wrong with it. Only wanting happiness would lead to ‘toxic positivity’, as it is called these days.
There is a difference to make between suffering and pain that I learned from Megan Devine. Pain is undeniable, it’s a part of life. It doesn’t need solving, but our loving attention. Suffering is what’s not necessary and this is what we would want to solve. You might ask what the exact difference is, and I think that answer is personal. Who’s to say what’s pain and what’s suffering? But it helps to make a distinction.
“Pain doesn’t need solving, but our loving attention.”
Translation:
There are things that can’t be fixed, can’t be solved,
you carry them with you.
- An empty space to tend to
Tekst: Babet te Winkel
Illustratie: Jeroen Krul
Your cards reflect grief of any kind of loss – death of loved one, loss of health, pregnancy, partnership etc.) What does the creation process of cards look like?
Most of the time it hits me like lightning. I know I want a card for a certain situation – often because I want to send it myself. Sometimes the image is clear, but sometimes it takes me a while to tune into the exact feeling, the vibe, the message. I have this enormous archive of texts I have written that I want to use some day.
Often I immediately know who I want to ask to work together on the card to get the right vibe. For example, I wanted to make some colourful, dynamic cards. When I saw the work of Jeroen Krul (the illustrator of the card above), I immediately knew I wanted to work with him.
In addition to your alternative condolence cards, you have created The Dictionary of Grief, where you continue to work with the language of grief. Can you tell us more about the book?
Definitely! This brings us back to your first question, actually. The Dictionary of Grief is about this inner world of grief. It describes things you might experience, like future-grief or the-in-betweens. It’s about finding words to express your experience. You might want to use it as a starting point for a heart-to-heart conversation, to let somebody close to you know what you are going through. And, to start exploring yourself, what words you’re missing in your language. What experiences are in the dark for you, you wish to shine some light on? So, it’s meant as an inspiration and as an exploration of the experience of grief.
Future grief - the grief about the things that will never be.
Present-in-absence - how someone is still there, in all the empty spaces/places.
What are your dreams for the future?
I have many! In 2022 I want to publish my book. And I wish to expand the grief community further with an online course and, when it’s possible in the future, offline grief circles and ceremonies as well. Looking forward to see how it will unfold.
NIKA tips for reading:
Megan Devine, It's Ok That You're Not Ok
Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages